Written by Alden Tan
This is to prove that you don’t really need to be super smart or honest to (mis)lead people into thinking that you’re a cool, sophisticated person who looks as if he’s got his shit together and leading a meaningful life.
It’s all about drawing attention from the outside, not the insides.
And this shit works, cause I was duped into thinking some so-called friends were really cool people when in reality, they were nothing but insecure losers.
1) Travel to one country and talk about that country only
Nobody gives a shit about how many different stamps your passport has.
Then, use words like “culture” and how you absorbed the shit out of it. This is to prove to others that you’re beyond going to touristy places for shopping, partying and meaningless shit.
Also, tell them that your favorite activity is “people watching” and how you made observations in the area of body language, mannerisms and fashion.
2) Go to some scenic place and tell them you found yourself
This is where you regale your ultimate “Eat Pray Love” tale. You HAVE to tell people you found yourself! Wherever the fuck you’ve been.
Use words like “spirituality.” Say, “It made me realize there’s more to life.” You then have to talk about how you there’s a “passion deep within you that’s dying to come out.” It is however, okay to say that you’ve not found your passion yet. This is to give the illusion that you’re now purpose-driven and have a goal in life.
You should then add that money is not everything and that your new hobby is meditation and yoga combined.
3) Get all your answers from Yahoo! Answers
Or Quora. Or basically, anywhere on the damn internet.
Learn one fact or answer. Memorize it and regurgitate the same thing to everybody you meet. Be vehement in the way you answer. This is to make people think that you’ve a world view and that you’re making a stand.
It is even better if the topic is controversial, like politics or how vaccines causes autism (bullshit of course.) Read that shit up and then blatantly bring up the topic to your circle of friends.
4) Your diet must include being a vegan, gluten-free and paleo, and your form of exercise is crossfit only
Nothing beats the power of vegan and being gluten-free as fuck! Add in paleo and crossfit and you’ve got a winner in the game of sophistication.
Keep talking about it. Don’t shut up. Be sure to reveal this from the get go without even being asked.
5) Carry a fucking bottle of mineral water wherever you go
Buy Fiji. That’d make you look both hydrated and sophisticated.
6) Say you’re on a sabbatical even though you’re actually lazy as fuck
Are you a lazy, unmotivated asshole who only likes to complain about his job? Congrats! You’ve a winning formula in showing others you’re sophisticated right in your hands.
However, do not just tell them you quit your job. Instead, say you’re on a sabbatical.
This is where you, again, get to tell others you’re in the fulfilling journey of finding yourself. Or better yet, tell them you need time off to find your muse!
7) Carry a fucking book wherever you go
Have a book like Antifragile by Nassim Taleb in hand. That shit would impress the shit out of others. You don’t even need to talk about it. Just make sure you put it at a place with the cover facing up.
Also, remember to attach a bookmark somewhere in the middle. If you’ve reading glasses, put it on top of the book too. Be sure to tilt your head and take them off in a very prominent way as you look up from your book as others try to get your attention.
“Sorry. Just give me a minute to finish up this chapter” is what you should say.
8) During the World Cup or Olympics, memorize the scores of one event
Are you sports fan? It doesn’t fucking matter.
During these events, just memorize the scores of some event from the news to show others you watch this shit. Memorize the name of the star player or underdog too.
9) Drink red wine
What is that shit you’re sniffing? HazelNutBerry? You don’t even know what that is, but who the fuck cares? Did you let that bottle breathe too? You need to smooth them tennins, or tennants. I don’t know.
What’s that you said as you smack your lips after you sip that shit? It has a nutty finish? Well, that makes you sound like you’ve balls in your mouth, but that’s okay. It’s to show people you know what nutty finish means and how it “brings you back.”
Also, be sure to loudly correct other non-wine drinkers, “Excuse me, it’s not pronounced Mer-LOT.”
10) Have a gay friend
Not that you should objectify gay people, but nothing screams sophistication and tolerance better than having a gay friend!
11) Have a bunch of Instant Messaging apps installed in your phone
Line. Whatsapp. WeChat. KaoKaoTalk. Make sure you download the shit out of them!
Why? Because each app is more popular in different countries. This will show others that you’ve a shit ton of foreign friends and hence by association, you’ve been to their countries and absorbed their culture like a blob. It doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, cause nobody knows for certain!
12) Tell people you just had a meeting with a friend to discuss business
“Oh sorry I’m late. I had a business meeting with a friend” said you as you arrived an hour late.
Whoa! What the fuck? You’re definitely ahead of the human race as you reject the 9 to 5 lifestyle. You have a world-changing idea that’s going to change the way people see whatever of course.
Did you do your research? Did you validate your idea with a prototype? Do you carve a niche for yourself so you can find your spot in the market? Do you even have capital? It doesn’t fucking matter! You just need an idea you pulled out of your ass.
Then tell others you were busy from having so many meetings to talk about that idea. You don’t have to follow up shit.
13) Tell people you read the book before the movie came out
Then keep making comparisons. Don’t let up! The director really took some unnecessary risks and you definitely could have done a better job.
14) Borrow one element of the Hipster culture so you can say you’re not a hipster
For example, all your songs in your phone should be remixed from that obscure guy you discovered on YouTube.
You definitely aren’t that mainstream, but you are not cool enough to want to be a real hipster, at which point you should vehemently assert yourself saying that you are definitely not a hipster.
15) Choose to only eat at places with an all-day breakfast menu
You’re so fucking sophisticated that your meals transcend the essence of time itself.
Who cares what time it is? Eggs benedict for every god damn meal. Then tell them this reminds you of the time you had a full English breakfast set at wherever the fuck you went.
16) All your Instagram photos should be Throwbacks
Don’t have the time or money to travel again to show off? Never fear. Just hashtag the shit out #Throwback on your Instagram account. Then talk about how you miss that fucking place so much.
Shit! You’re so sophisticated you throwback every god damn day!
17) Learn some stupid phrases in a foreign language
Then tell others, “Yeah I know a little [insert foreign language]. Self-taught.”
Can you hold a proper conversation in that tongue? Fuck no. But who cares? Just spam that shit.
I can’t teach you to be a pretentious bitch. I can only teach you how to lead a meaningful life. Click here.
The post 17 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Sophisticated As Fuck appeared first on Alden-tan.com.