Self Help and Do It Yourself .com

People today are putting more conscious effort into figuring out what makes them happy and pursing that happiness. And there are many ideas out there about happiness, coming from a variety of sources: parents, teachers, friends, books, articles, media and advertising.

But I think that a lot of these ideas miss the mark; which is why I’d like to share my own perspective on the importance of one key asset in achieving happiness: your social skills. I believe they matter and they can benefit you so much that I deem good social skills a veritable shortcut to happiness.

Relationships as the Main Pillar of Happiness

Over the past decades there has been a lot of research in the field of psychology about the factors that make us happy. And the one that constantly stands out is our relationships with others. Individuals with quality relationships, who feel loved and appreciated, and have an active social life, are typically the happiest out there.

This makes perfect sense considering that we are social animals, who’ve always lived in some sort of social milieu, either a band, or a tribe, or a social group within a bigger town or city. And social cooperation has been essential in our survival and progress as a species.

Psychologist and neuroscientist Matthew D. Lieberman really drives this point home in his book, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect.

For instance, he argues that what our brains do by default when they don’t have any particular task is to contemplate social situations and examine the social world; which shows the central role that social relationships play in our lives. Truly, there is no denying their importance.

The Best Path to Good Relationships Is Not What Most People Think

However, most people are drawn into poor views about the ways to get respect, appreciation and good relationships.

Society in general has taught us that the best ways to get such things are by being wealthy, or having a respectable profession, or following the latest trends. And so, a plethora of people are chasing these things, hoping they will get them the kind of fulfilling human connections they yearn for.

I find it particularly interesting to discuss with folks who wanna make a lot of money. There are lots of reasons why many people wanna be rich. Through money they seek experiences, variety, freedom or security.

But digging deeper into their motivations, I find that, above all, most believe money is the top way to earn the appreciation of others, in order to feel good about themselves and be able to build fulfilling relationships.

It’s such an illusion! Both my coaching and social experiences have showed me over and over that: not only is money not a necessity to be appreciated, but chasing money is the long and inexact road to appreciation. The power of wealth to nurture good relationships has been vastly exaggerated by the rampant consumer culture we live in.

Really, the most popular ways to gain appreciation, considering the time and effort they require (a lot), the amount of respect they earn you (often not that much), and the type of respect they earn you (often superficial and fleeting), don’t amount to good investments.

Social Skills Are a Much Better Path

I believe the methods described above constitute the long, roundabout path to appreciation and good relationships. The straightest and shortest path is in building sharp social skills.

You see, when you have good social skills you are able:

• To express yourself in an articulate, convincing and alluring way.
• To talk with a wide range of people, on a wide range of topics.
• To empathize well will people, to understand their motivations and views.
• To know how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• To show social intelligence and navigate complex social dynamics.
• To manage your emotions well in social situations.

This makes social skills the direct and the best tool to connect with people, make a positive impression and nurture good relationships. All else takes longer to acquire and works less effectively.

Put two people at, say, a party, one who is a successful lawyer with lots of money, wearing a trendy suit, but with average social skills, and another who is a person with an average job, average income and average clothes, but really good social skills, and I guarantee you this second person will blow the first one out of the water in terms of likability.

While having money, working in a respectable job and being fashionable all have their merits and benefits, my point is that if you want great relationships, you should focus on developing your social skills above all. They will help you much more than these things.

Social skills take some work to improve as well, but the return on investment is much better. And fortunately, there are lots of resources out there to help you, from books and articles to classes and coaching programs.

With this in mind, I recommend you get onboard my free social success newsletter, to receive regular practical advice from me on sharpening your social skills, directly into your Inbox.

When you join, you’ll also get instant, free access to an instructional presentation in which I’ll show you my proven formula for becoming socially confident.

Go here to join the newsletter right now.

Life has a lot to offer. And social skills are a key tool to help you collect much of its fruits. Sharpen your social skills, get out there and use them, and I promise you that your happiness will soar.

You’ve done everything you know to do to save your relationship, but you feel it slipping away each day. You can only control so much, after all. And not all relationships are meant to last forever. Still, you’d like to know for certain whether it’s time to let go of your partner. How will you […]

The post 14 Signs It May Be Time To End A Relationship appeared first on Live Bold and Bloom.

People today are putting more conscious effort into figuring out what makes them happy and pursing that happiness. And there are many ideas out there about happiness, coming from a variety of sources: parents, teachers, friends, books, articles, media and advertising.

But I think that a lot of these ideas miss the mark; which is why I’d like to share my own perspective on the importance of one key asset in achieving happiness: your social skills. I believe they matter and they can benefit you so much that I deem good social skills a veritable shortcut to happiness.

Relationships as the Main Pillar of Happiness

Over the past decades there has been a lot of research in the field of psychology about the factors that make us happy. And the one that constantly stands out is our relationships with others. Individuals with quality relationships, who feel loved and appreciated, and have an active social life, are typically the happiest out there.

This makes perfect sense considering that we are social animals, who’ve always lived in some sort of social milieu, either a band, or a tribe, or a social group within a bigger town or city. And social cooperation has been essential in our survival and progress as a species.

Psychologist and neuroscientist Matthew D. Lieberman really drives this point home in his book, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect.

For instance, he argues that what our brains do by default when they don’t have any particular task is to contemplate social situations and examine the social world; which shows the central role that social relationships play in our lives. Truly, there is no denying their importance.

The Best Path to Good Relationships Is Not What Most People Think

However, most people are drawn into poor views about the ways to get respect, appreciation and good relationships.

Society in general has taught us that the best ways to get such things are by being wealthy, or having a respectable profession, or following the latest trends. And so, a plethora of people are chasing these things, hoping they will get them the kind of fulfilling human connections they yearn for.

I find it particularly interesting to discuss with folks who wanna make a lot of money. There are lots of reasons why many people wanna be rich. Through money they seek experiences, variety, freedom or security.

But digging deeper into their motivations, I find that, above all, most believe money is the top way to earn the appreciation of others, in order to feel good about themselves and be able to build fulfilling relationships.

It’s such an illusion! Both my coaching and social experiences have showed me over and over that: not only is money not a necessity to be appreciated, but chasing money is the long and inexact road to appreciation. The power of wealth to nurture good relationships has been vastly exaggerated by the rampant consumer culture we live in.

Really, the most popular ways to gain appreciation, considering the time and effort they require (a lot), the amount of respect they earn you (often not that much), and the type of respect they earn you (often superficial and fleeting), don’t amount to good investments.

Social Skills Are a Much Better Path

I believe the methods described above constitute the long, roundabout path to appreciation and good relationships. The straightest and shortest path is in building sharp social skills.

You see, when you have good social skills you are able:

• To express yourself in an articulate, convincing and alluring way.
• To talk with a wide range of people, on a wide range of topics.
• To empathize well will people, to understand their motivations and views.
• To know how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• To show social intelligence and navigate complex social dynamics.
• To manage your emotions well in social situations.

This makes social skills the direct and the best tool to connect with people, make a positive impression and nurture good relationships. All else takes longer to acquire and works less effectively.

Put two people at, say, a party, one who is a successful lawyer with lots of money, wearing a trendy suit, but with average social skills, and another who is a person with an average job, average income and average clothes, but really good social skills, and I guarantee you this second person will blow the first one out of the water in terms of likability.

While having money, working in a respectable job and being fashionable all have their merits and benefits, my point is that if you want great relationships, you should focus on developing your social skills above all. They will help you much more than these things.

Social skills take some work to improve as well, but the return on investment is much better. And fortunately, there are lots of resources out there to help you, from books and articles to classes and coaching programs.

With this in mind, I recommend you get onboard my free social success newsletter, to receive regular practical advice from me on sharpening your social skills, directly into your Inbox.

When you join, you’ll also get instant, free access to an instructional presentation in which I’ll show you my proven formula for becoming socially confident.

Go here to join the newsletter right now.

Life has a lot to offer. And social skills are a key tool to help you collect much of its fruits. Sharpen your social skills, get out there and use them, and I promise you that your happiness will soar.

The post Make It a Group Date Night: 5 Exciting Options appeared first on NotSalmon.

Group date night never fails to be fun and exciting. Here are a few ideas to help make your night one to remember. There are lots of benefits to a group date. Singles will find that group date nights can […]

The post Make It a Group Date Night: 5 Exciting Options appeared first on NotSalmon.

The post Stress Free Baby Care 101 for First-Time Parents appeared first on NotSalmon.

Explore this short guide for first-time parents to ease the stress of having a baby. Make sure you enjoy this amazing time – as it is one of the most rewarding and exciting experiences in your lifetime. I’m a late […]

The post Stress Free Baby Care 101 for First-Time Parents appeared first on NotSalmon.

Reading The Body Keeps the Score, the best-selling book by Bessel Van der Kolk, could potentially help you to understand why you would want to explore EFT tapping (or the Emotional Freedom Technique) for releasing stress or trauma, if you haven’t already done so.

I was delighted to find how much The Body Keeps the Score supports the case for EFT tapping. The book is a treasure trove of research, stories and case studies. While the author’s work is mainly based on those who suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders, I find his recommendations applicable for us all since we are governed by the same fight-flight-freeze stress response.

Bessel van der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist who has worked with a wide range of clients, from veterans to sexual assault survivors. The Body Keeps the Score reveals how trauma is stored in the body and that, for therapy to be effective, it needs to take the physiological changes that occur into account. He talks about how talk therapy alone is not adequate for dealing with trauma and shows us the studies to support this. 

 “Psychologists usually try to help people use insight and understanding to manage their behavior. However, neuroscience research shows that very few psychological problems are the result of defects in understanding; most originate in pressures from deeper regions in the brain that drive our perception and attention. When the alarm bell of the emotional brain keeps signaling that you are in danger, no amount of insight will silence it.” 

Bessel says that for survivors of sexual assault and other big traumas, the amygdala, which initiates the body’s fight, flight or freeze response system whenever it perceives danger, can remain activated long after the threat has subsided. Their brains are unable to discern that the fragmented images, sounds and emotion belong to the past. And so, in the present, the survivors relive their traumas.

“To people who are reliving a trauma, nothing makes sense; they are trapped in a life-or-death situation, a state of paralyzing fear or blind rage. Mind and body are constantly aroused, as if they are in imminent danger. They startle in response to the slightest noises and are frustrated by small irritations. Their sleep is chronically disturbed, and food often loses its sensual pleasures. This in turn can trigger desperate attempts to shut those feelings down by freezing and dissociation.”

“Nobody can ‘treat’ a war, or abuse, rape, molestation, or any other horrendous event, for that matter; what has happened cannot be undone. But what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body, mind, and soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog that keeps you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are doing; being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.”

The Body Keeps the Score for Stress

Although his work mostly centers on working with clients suffering with extreme trauma, it has relevance for us all. After all, stress and “relatively smaller traumas” affect everyone. And often enough, we have reacted in the same manner of fight, flight or freeze to our perceived threats. If we see ourselves as interconnected, then we all in this together. 

I was shocked to read the stats that Bessel reports about the US population:

• 1 in 5 have been sexually molested as child

• 1 in 4 have been beaten by a parent to point of having a physical mark

• 1 in 3 couples have experienced some form of physical violence

• 1 in 4 have an alcoholic relative

• 1 in 8 have witnessed their mother being hit.

It is startling to find out how “trauma” is more prevalent than what I had realised. This could mean that we pretty much live in the past, if we have not found a way to resolve it.

“Trauma affects the entire human organism—body, mind, and brain. In PTSD the body continues to defend against a threat that belongs to the past.”

While The Body Keeps the Score did not specifically focus on stressful experiences that start from conception in the womb, I would think that the period when we form our first attachments as vital to building our core resilience in dealing with stress for the rest of our life. Hence, we cannot ignore healing from trauma at root cause, where no nourishing love or support from our parents were forthcoming. Read this article on Healing Birth Trauma in the Matrix and on Rose who healed from a sense of unwantedness in the mother’s womb that I wrote previously.

 “If your parents’ faces never lit up when they looked at you, it’s hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished.”

Not just trauma, so long as we have experienced some form of stress in the past and it remains unresolved, it can continue to haunt us. Family disturbance or generalised neglect cause us to be on high alert, our stressed bodies tuned to fight or flight from a young age. And as children, if we can’t fight or flee, we go into freeze or collapse. We would then carry the same responses to perceived threats in our bodies, resulting in illnesses or emotional issues years later.

“Over the years our research team has repeatedly found that chronic emotional abuse and neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse and sexual molestation. Sherry turned out to be a living example of these findings: Not being seen, not being known, and having nowhere to turn to feel safe is devastating at any age, but it is particularly destructive for young children, who are still trying to find their place in the world.”

Towards Recovery: The Case for Mindfulness and EFT Tapping

Fortunately, Bessel has discovered that traumatic stress can be treated by mindfulness mediation, yoga and bodywork, and any modality which includes an awareness of breath as a fundamental part of the work.

“In our early therapy sessions, we focused on calming the physiological chaos within. We used every technique that I have learned over the years, like breathing, with a focus on the outbreath, which activates the relaxing parasympathetic nervous system. 

I also taught her to use her fingers to tap the sequence of acupressure points on various parts of her body, a practice often taught under the name EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, which has been shown to help patients stay within the window of tolerance and often has positive effects on PTSD symptoms.”

“In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”

“Practicing mindfulness calms down the sympathetic nervous system, so that you are less likely to be thrown into fight-or-flight. Learning to observe and tolerate your physical reactions is a prerequisite for safely revisiting the past.”

How EFT Tapping Helps to Release Trauma and Stress from the Body

Bessel in The Body Keeps the Score, states that the aim of any treatment for trauma is to enable us to become more fully present with life. We struggle at times with being fully present, especially with more painful emotions. Hence, learning how to be more present, is of crucial importance!

Indeed, as we work through our disruptions, it helps to be reminded by Bessel on what Rumi has to share…

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
Rumi

With all that has been said and bringing me to…
We can apply EFT tapping where the Body keeps the Score!

As it is, EFT is a therapeutic holistic process involving the following 6 elements that is precisely supported by what Bessel recommends in his book…..

(1) a space of safety as we tap in a step-by-step manner to face our fears and the past
(2) mindful awareness of the physical sensations in our body 
(3) verbalising of statements on self-love and acceptance
(4) with the use of finger tips to tap on specific end meridian points on ourselves, physical action is involved for releasing stored and unresolved disruptive energies in the body
(5) tapping sending a calming signal to the amygdala that governs the fight-flight and freeze stress response before engaging cognitive processing
(6) breathing to center ourselves in the present while releasing past trauma. 

The Body Keeps the Score is a great book and I highly recommend it for the revelation that it brings. Obviously, not just read, apply EFT Tapping too!

Love and abundance always,
Evelyn Lim

Read the book? Share your thoughts below.

The post How EFT Tapping Can Help When the Body Keeps the Score appeared first on Abundance Coach for Women in Business | Evelyn Lim.

Reading The Body Keeps the Score, the best-selling book by Bessel Van der Kolk, could potentially help you to understand why you would want to explore EFT tapping (or the Emotional Freedom Technique) for releasing stress or trauma, if you haven’t already done so.

I was delighted to find how much The Body Keeps the Score supports the case for EFT tapping. The book is a treasure trove of research, stories and case studies. While the author’s work is mainly based on those who suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders, I find his recommendations applicable for us all since we are governed by the same fight-flight-freeze stress response.

Bessel van der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist who has worked with a wide range of clients, from veterans to sexual assault survivors. The Body Keeps the Score reveals how trauma is stored in the body and that, for therapy to be effective, it needs to take the physiological changes that occur into account. He talks about how talk therapy alone is not adequate for dealing with trauma and shows us the studies to support this. 

 “Psychologists usually try to help people use insight and understanding to manage their behavior. However, neuroscience research shows that very few psychological problems are the result of defects in understanding; most originate in pressures from deeper regions in the brain that drive our perception and attention. When the alarm bell of the emotional brain keeps signaling that you are in danger, no amount of insight will silence it.” 

Bessel says that for survivors of sexual assault and other big traumas, the amygdala, which initiates the body’s fight, flight or freeze response system whenever it perceives danger, can remain activated long after the threat has subsided. Their brains are unable to discern that the fragmented images, sounds and emotion belong to the past. And so, in the present, the survivors relive their traumas.

“To people who are reliving a trauma, nothing makes sense; they are trapped in a life-or-death situation, a state of paralyzing fear or blind rage. Mind and body are constantly aroused, as if they are in imminent danger. They startle in response to the slightest noises and are frustrated by small irritations. Their sleep is chronically disturbed, and food often loses its sensual pleasures. This in turn can trigger desperate attempts to shut those feelings down by freezing and dissociation.”

“Nobody can ‘treat’ a war, or abuse, rape, molestation, or any other horrendous event, for that matter; what has happened cannot be undone. But what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body, mind, and soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog that keeps you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are doing; being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.”

The Body Keeps the Score for Stress

Although his work mostly centers on working with clients suffering with extreme trauma, it has relevance for us all. After all, stress and “relatively smaller traumas” affect everyone. And often enough, we have reacted in the same manner of fight, flight or freeze to our perceived threats. If we see ourselves as interconnected, then we all in this together. 

I was shocked to read the stats that Bessel reports about the US population:

• 1 in 5 have been sexually molested as child

• 1 in 4 have been beaten by a parent to point of having a physical mark

• 1 in 3 couples have experienced some form of physical violence

• 1 in 4 have an alcoholic relative

• 1 in 8 have witnessed their mother being hit.

It is startling to find out how “trauma” is more prevalent than what I had realised. This could mean that we pretty much live in the past, if we have not found a way to resolve it.

“Trauma affects the entire human organism—body, mind, and brain. In PTSD the body continues to defend against a threat that belongs to the past.”

While The Body Keeps the Score did not specifically focus on stressful experiences that start from conception in the womb, I would think that the period when we form our first attachments as vital to building our core resilience in dealing with stress for the rest of our life. Hence, we cannot ignore healing from trauma at root cause, where no nourishing love or support from our parents were forthcoming. Read this article on Healing Birth Trauma in the Matrix and on Rose who healed from a sense of unwantedness in the mother’s womb that I wrote previously.

 “If your parents’ faces never lit up when they looked at you, it’s hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished.”

Not just trauma, so long as we have experienced some form of stress in the past and it remains unresolved, it can continue to haunt us. Family disturbance or generalised neglect cause us to be on high alert, our stressed bodies tuned to fight or flight from a young age. And as children, if we can’t fight or flee, we go into freeze or collapse. We would then carry the same responses to perceived threats in our bodies, resulting in illnesses or emotional issues years later.

“Over the years our research team has repeatedly found that chronic emotional abuse and neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse and sexual molestation. Sherry turned out to be a living example of these findings: Not being seen, not being known, and having nowhere to turn to feel safe is devastating at any age, but it is particularly destructive for young children, who are still trying to find their place in the world.”

Towards Recovery: The Case for Mindfulness and EFT Tapping

Fortunately, Bessel has discovered that traumatic stress can be treated by mindfulness mediation, yoga and bodywork, and any modality which includes an awareness of breath as a fundamental part of the work.

“In our early therapy sessions, we focused on calming the physiological chaos within. We used every technique that I have learned over the years, like breathing, with a focus on the outbreath, which activates the relaxing parasympathetic nervous system. 

I also taught her to use her fingers to tap the sequence of acupressure points on various parts of her body, a practice often taught under the name EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, which has been shown to help patients stay within the window of tolerance and often has positive effects on PTSD symptoms.”

“In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”

“Practicing mindfulness calms down the sympathetic nervous system, so that you are less likely to be thrown into fight-or-flight. Learning to observe and tolerate your physical reactions is a prerequisite for safely revisiting the past.”

How EFT Tapping Helps to Release Trauma and Stress from the Body

Bessel in The Body Keeps the Score, states that the aim of any treatment for trauma is to enable us to become more fully present with life. We struggle at times with being fully present, especially with more painful emotions. Hence, learning how to be more present, is of crucial importance!

Indeed, as we work through our disruptions, it helps to be reminded by Bessel on what Rumi has to share…

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
Rumi

With all that has been said and bringing me to…
We can apply EFT tapping where the Body keeps the Score!

As it is, EFT is a therapeutic holistic process involving the following 6 elements that is precisely supported by what Bessel recommends in his book…..

(1) a space of safety as we tap in a step-by-step manner to face our fears and the past
(2) mindful awareness of the physical sensations in our body 
(3) verbalising of statements on self-love and acceptance
(4) with the use of finger tips to tap on specific end meridian points on ourselves, physical action is involved for releasing stored and unresolved disruptive energies in the body
(5) tapping sending a calming signal to the amygdala that governs the fight-flight and freeze stress response before engaging cognitive processing
(6) breathing to center ourselves in the present while releasing past trauma. 

The Body Keeps the Score is a great book and I highly recommend it for the revelation that it brings. Obviously, not just read, apply EFT Tapping too!

Love and abundance always,
Evelyn Lim

Read the book? Share your thoughts below.

The post How EFT Tapping Can Help When the Body Keeps the Score appeared first on Abundance Coach for Women in Business | Evelyn Lim.

Reading The Body Keeps the Score, the best-selling book by Bessel Van der Kolk, could potentially help you to understand why you would want to explore EFT tapping (or the Emotional Freedom Technique) for releasing stress or trauma, if you haven’t already done so.

I was delighted to find how much The Body Keeps the Score supports the case for EFT tapping. The book is a treasure trove of research, stories and case studies. While the author’s work is mainly based on those who suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders, I find his recommendations applicable for us all since we are governed by the same fight-flight-freeze stress response.

Bessel van der Kolk is a Boston-based psychiatrist who has worked with a wide range of clients, from veterans to sexual assault survivors. The Body Keeps the Score reveals how trauma is stored in the body and that, for therapy to be effective, it needs to take the physiological changes that occur into account. He talks about how talk therapy alone is not adequate for dealing with trauma and shows us the studies to support this. 

 “Psychologists usually try to help people use insight and understanding to manage their behavior. However, neuroscience research shows that very few psychological problems are the result of defects in understanding; most originate in pressures from deeper regions in the brain that drive our perception and attention. When the alarm bell of the emotional brain keeps signaling that you are in danger, no amount of insight will silence it.” 

Bessel says that for survivors of sexual assault and other big traumas, the amygdala, which initiates the body’s fight, flight or freeze response system whenever it perceives danger, can remain activated long after the threat has subsided. Their brains are unable to discern that the fragmented images, sounds and emotion belong to the past. And so, in the present, the survivors relive their traumas.

“To people who are reliving a trauma, nothing makes sense; they are trapped in a life-or-death situation, a state of paralyzing fear or blind rage. Mind and body are constantly aroused, as if they are in imminent danger. They startle in response to the slightest noises and are frustrated by small irritations. Their sleep is chronically disturbed, and food often loses its sensual pleasures. This in turn can trigger desperate attempts to shut those feelings down by freezing and dissociation.”

“Nobody can ‘treat’ a war, or abuse, rape, molestation, or any other horrendous event, for that matter; what has happened cannot be undone. But what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body, mind, and soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog that keeps you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are doing; being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.”

The Body Keeps the Score for Stress

Although his work mostly centers on working with clients suffering with extreme trauma, it has relevance for us all. After all, stress and “relatively smaller traumas” affect everyone. And often enough, we have reacted in the same manner of fight, flight or freeze to our perceived threats. If we see ourselves as interconnected, then we all in this together. 

I was shocked to read the stats that Bessel reports about the US population:

• 1 in 5 have been sexually molested as child

• 1 in 4 have been beaten by a parent to point of having a physical mark

• 1 in 3 couples have experienced some form of physical violence

• 1 in 4 have an alcoholic relative

• 1 in 8 have witnessed their mother being hit.

It is startling to find out how “trauma” is more prevalent than what I had realised. This could mean that we pretty much live in the past, if we have not found a way to resolve it.

“Trauma affects the entire human organism—body, mind, and brain. In PTSD the body continues to defend against a threat that belongs to the past.”

While The Body Keeps the Score did not specifically focus on stressful experiences that start from conception in the womb, I would think that the period when we form our first attachments as vital to building our core resilience in dealing with stress for the rest of our life. Hence, we cannot ignore healing from trauma at root cause, where no nourishing love or support from our parents were forthcoming. Read this article on Healing Birth Trauma in the Matrix and on Rose who healed from a sense of unwantedness in the mother’s womb that I wrote previously.

 “If your parents’ faces never lit up when they looked at you, it’s hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished.”

Not just trauma, so long as we have experienced some form of stress in the past and it remains unresolved, it can continue to haunt us. Family disturbance or generalised neglect cause us to be on high alert, our stressed bodies tuned to fight or flight from a young age. And as children, if we can’t fight or flee, we go into freeze or collapse. We would then carry the same responses to perceived threats in our bodies, resulting in illnesses or emotional issues years later.

“Over the years our research team has repeatedly found that chronic emotional abuse and neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse and sexual molestation. Sherry turned out to be a living example of these findings: Not being seen, not being known, and having nowhere to turn to feel safe is devastating at any age, but it is particularly destructive for young children, who are still trying to find their place in the world.”

Towards Recovery: The Case for Mindfulness and EFT Tapping

Fortunately, Bessel has discovered that traumatic stress can be treated by mindfulness mediation, yoga and bodywork, and any modality which includes an awareness of breath as a fundamental part of the work.

“In our early therapy sessions, we focused on calming the physiological chaos within. We used every technique that I have learned over the years, like breathing, with a focus on the outbreath, which activates the relaxing parasympathetic nervous system. 

I also taught her to use her fingers to tap the sequence of acupressure points on various parts of her body, a practice often taught under the name EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique, which has been shown to help patients stay within the window of tolerance and often has positive effects on PTSD symptoms.”

“In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past.”

“Practicing mindfulness calms down the sympathetic nervous system, so that you are less likely to be thrown into fight-or-flight. Learning to observe and tolerate your physical reactions is a prerequisite for safely revisiting the past.”

How EFT Tapping Helps to Release Trauma and Stress from the Body

Bessel in The Body Keeps the Score, states that the aim of any treatment for trauma is to enable us to become more fully present with life. We struggle at times with being fully present, especially with more painful emotions. Hence, learning how to be more present, is of crucial importance!

Indeed, as we work through our disruptions, it helps to be reminded by Bessel on what Rumi has to share…

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
Rumi

With all that has been said and bringing me to…
We can apply EFT tapping where the Body keeps the Score!

As it is, EFT is a therapeutic holistic process involving the following 6 elements that is precisely supported by what Bessel recommends in his book…..

(1) a space of safety as we tap in a step-by-step manner to face our fears and the past
(2) mindful awareness of the physical sensations in our body 
(3) verbalising of statements on self-love and acceptance
(4) with the use of finger tips to tap on specific end meridian points on ourselves, physical action is involved for releasing stored and unresolved disruptive energies in the body
(5) tapping sending a calming signal to the amygdala that governs the fight-flight and freeze stress response before engaging cognitive processing
(6) breathing to center ourselves in the present while releasing past trauma. 

The Body Keeps the Score is a great book and I highly recommend it for the revelation that it brings. Obviously, not just read, apply EFT Tapping too!

Love and abundance always,
Evelyn Lim

Read the book? Share your thoughts below.

The post How EFT Tapping Can Help When the Body Keeps the Score appeared first on Abundance Coach for Women in Business | Evelyn Lim.

by Brooke Faulkner When many people talk about the holidays, they speak with a feeling of warmth and love. They associate this time of year with family and giving. Kids get gifts and winter break; parents get to see their children believe in something magical; and families embrace and feel blessed for their time spent…

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People today are putting more conscious effort into figuring out what makes them happy and pursing that happiness. And there are many ideas out there about happiness, coming from a variety of sources: parents, teachers, friends, books, articles, media and advertising.

But I think that a lot of these ideas miss the mark; which is why I’d like to share my own perspective on the importance of one key asset in achieving happiness: your social skills. I believe they matter and they can benefit you so much that I deem good social skills a veritable shortcut to happiness.

Relationships as the Main Pillar of Happiness

Over the past decades there has been a lot of research in the field of psychology about the factors that make us happy. And the one that constantly stands out is our relationships with others. Individuals with quality relationships, who feel loved and appreciated, and have an active social life, are typically the happiest out there.

This makes perfect sense considering that we are social animals, who’ve always lived in some sort of social milieu, either a band, or a tribe, or a social group within a bigger town or city. And social cooperation has been essential in our survival and progress as a species.

Psychologist and neuroscientist Matthew D. Lieberman really drives this point home in his book, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect.

For instance, he argues that what our brains do by default when they don’t have any particular task is to contemplate social situations and examine the social world; which shows the central role that social relationships play in our lives. Truly, there is no denying their importance.

The Best Path to Good Relationships Is Not What Most People Think

However, most people are drawn into poor views about the ways to get respect, appreciation and good relationships.

Society in general has taught us that the best ways to get such things are by being wealthy, or having a respectable profession, or following the latest trends. And so, a plethora of people are chasing these things, hoping they will get them the kind of fulfilling human connections they yearn for.

I find it particularly interesting to discuss with folks who wanna make a lot of money. There are lots of reasons why many people wanna be rich. Through money they seek experiences, variety, freedom or security.

But digging deeper into their motivations, I find that, above all, most believe money is the top way to earn the appreciation of others, in order to feel good about themselves and be able to build fulfilling relationships.

It’s such an illusion! Both my coaching and social experiences have showed me over and over that: not only is money not a necessity to be appreciated, but chasing money is the long and inexact road to appreciation. The power of wealth to nurture good relationships has been vastly exaggerated by the rampant consumer culture we live in.

Really, the most popular ways to gain appreciation, considering the time and effort they require (a lot), the amount of respect they earn you (often not that much), and the type of respect they earn you (often superficial and fleeting), don’t amount to good investments.

Social Skills Are a Much Better Path

I believe the methods described above constitute the long, roundabout path to appreciation and good relationships. The straightest and shortest path is in building sharp social skills.

You see, when you have good social skills you are able:

• To express yourself in an articulate, convincing and alluring way.
• To talk with a wide range of people, on a wide range of topics.
• To empathize well will people, to understand their motivations and views.
• To know how to adapt to others while staying true to yourself at the same time.
• To show social intelligence and navigate complex social dynamics.
• To manage your emotions well in social situations.

This makes social skills the direct and the best tool to connect with people, make a positive impression and nurture good relationships. All else takes longer to acquire and works less effectively.

Put two people at, say, a party, one who is a successful lawyer with lots of money, wearing a trendy suit, but with average social skills, and another who is a person with an average job, average income and average clothes, but really good social skills, and I guarantee you this second person will blow the first one out of the water in terms of likability.

While having money, working in a respectable job and being fashionable all have their merits and benefits, my point is that if you want great relationships, you should focus on developing your social skills above all. They will help you much more than these things.

Social skills take some work to improve as well, but the return on investment is much better. And fortunately, there are lots of resources out there to help you, from books and articles to classes and coaching programs.

With this in mind, I recommend you get onboard my free social success newsletter, to receive regular practical advice from me on sharpening your social skills, directly into your Inbox.

When you join, you’ll also get instant, free access to an instructional presentation in which I’ll show you my proven formula for becoming socially confident.

Go here to join the newsletter right now.

Life has a lot to offer. And social skills are a key tool to help you collect much of its fruits. Sharpen your social skills, get out there and use them, and I promise you that your happiness will soar.